


Fuck You Very Much (A Letter To the Editor)

by lucimarlena



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Happy Ending, Letters, Parody, Romance, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-27
Updated: 2012-03-27
Packaged: 2017-11-02 14:45:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/370159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucimarlena/pseuds/lucimarlena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking Dawn is done, finished, and I'm still here. I, Leah Clearwater, am still the same. Even after joining Jake's renegade pack Stephanie Meyer still has me being a bitter harpy. I demand my happy ending so I grab a pen and write. Dear S. Meyer...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck You Very Much (A Letter To the Editor)

**Author's Note:**

> This is by far my favorite Blackwater OS that I had the crazy idea to write. It came to me in the form of Lily Allen's "Fuck You Very Much."
> 
> Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Twilight saga belong to (their rightful owner) Stephanie Meyer. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.
> 
> Lyrics used from Lily Allen's "Fuck you very much" belong to Lily Allen are simply used for emphasis in the story.
> 
> In other words, the words are mine. Don't copy them.
> 
> Huge thanks to Flyaway Dove for Beta-ing my work.
> 
> Set: After BD.

_Breaking Dawn_ is done, finished, and I'm still here. I, Leah Clearwater, am still the same. Even after joining Jake's renegade pack Stephanie Meyer still has me being a bitter harpy. _How?_ you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple; Renesmee "Nessie" Carlie Cullen.

 

Yeah, what a mouthful. What was S. Meyer _thinking_ when she had Bella name the Spawn?

 

Anyways, the story is over and everyone had their happy ending, except for me.

 

Jake got over Bella with the Spawn; Quil has Claire; Jared has Kim; Paul has Rachel; Embry and Seth are content; the cubs are fine; Sam has (gag) Emily; Sue, my own mother, has Charlie; even the leeches each have their own partner! Where does that leave me? Where is _my_ happy ending? Where in the world is Leah Clearwater's Prince Charming?

 

Oh, I know, babysitting. That's right, my Prince Charming is babysitting his Spawn of an imprint. Wonderful.

 

S. Meyer creates me to be a bitter, unhappy, emotional, girlie-wolf and has me suffer through being in the same pack as the guy who broke my heart by falling for my cousin. Not to mention that I'm the only flippin' girl wolf in, oh I don't know, the world. Thanks for that Steph! But wait, it gets worse: in _New Moon_ , I phase and consequently kill my dad. Like _that's_ not going to mess me up. While I'm dealing with my grief, I get to have romantic dreams of Bella Swan. Gross, I know. But because good ol' Steph made us have one pack mind, I get to be on the receiving end of Jake's "feelings" for that leech lover. As you can understand, I don't want to have dreams where Bella Swan and I ride off in the sunset. So, being me, I lash out, thus making me the pack bitch. Literally and figuratively. Fun.

 

Which brings us to _Eclipse_. Yeah, still the pack bitch, only now people are saying that I'm worse than Paul. Thanks for the confidence boost Steph. So, here we got to actually fight evil vamps. That was cool, gold star for you Steph. So during the fight everything was fine and dandy, but then Steph had to just fuck my whole life up by putting me in danger. Luckily, Jake stepped in and had a whole side of his body smashed in. Right there, my friends, is when the "feelings" for a certain Jacob Black began. Since Steph wanted me to harbor all this hatred, I forgot how to be sensitive, which defends how I reacted with Jake on the cliff. So, buddy boy left and went to bitch and cry in Canada, leaving me here with no one in the same boat. Isn't Steph so _nice_?

 

Then, the prodigal son returns in _Breaking Dawn_. While he was away, the feelings died down a bit…okay, not really. After the leech lover and the mind-rapist's wedding, Jake and I hung out. We were getting to be civil with one another. He was beginning to let go of Bella, and I was beginning to let go of Sam. Then S. Meyer pulled a bitch move: she made Bella pregnant. That's right, she gave Bella—incompetent Bella—a baby, while she made me barren. Really feeling the love. Jake went all ape shit when Sam said that they were going to take out the Cullens and their new bundle of joy. He made his own pack and Seth, because the little adorkable kid adores Jake, joined. I did too. I couldn't let either one of them get hurt; I care too much about both of them. Jake appointed me Beta and our relationship grew. Of course, this was all on the sidelines. When Bella continued to disregard Jake's feelings by being selfish and keeping him there as her "best friend", I defended him. This, of course, was in the form of bitching and telling Bella off to the point of tears, thank you Steph. Ah, good times. Yet, just as Jake and I were beginning to get serious, Jake imprints on baby Spawn. Yeah, that's right, a baby. Oh sure, there was the scare with the Volturi taking away the Spawn, but it all worked out in the end.

 

So, they all live happily ever after. Hell, the _"baby"_ got a happy ending. What do I get? I get the short end of the stick. _Again._

_  
_

Why? Why did she do this to me? She's the author! Have some sympathy!

 

That's it! Leah Clearwater does not sit around and mope. She gets answers. I grab a pen and paper and write.

 

_Dear Stephanie Meyer,_

_  
_

_You may not remember me, but I'm the character you thoroughly screwed over. Yeah, it's Leah Clearwater._

_I just have a few things to say and a couple of questions to put out there._

_  
_

_Did someone do something to you when you were creating me? Did they kick you or break your favorite pen or something? If they did, I'm sorry for that but, what the hell! Why take it out on me?_

_  
_

_Were you just sick and tired of being fair to the characters? Or did you really just hate me? If you didn't really like how my character came out, then change it! My god, is white out really that hard to come by?_

_  
_

_I'm sick of being the bitter harpy. I'm sick of having to carry all this anger and resentment with me. I want a fresh start._

_  
_

_I'm asking nicely for a happy ending. Hell, I'll be happy if you have me imprint! Just do something! Or is it something else… Did you do these things to get some satisfaction that you don't get in your own life? Do you get a little kick out of making me suffer? Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful? Taking away all of the things I've grown to love: my father, Sam, Jake._

_  
_

_You know what Steph; no one wants your opinion. Leah Clearwater is sick of following your little plot line. I'm done. I am through with this shit and I only have one thing left to say to you:_

_  
_

_Fuck you! Fuck you very, very much! I hate what you did to me. These are my final words to you, so please don't stay in touch._

_  
_

_Sincerely,_

_Leah Clearwater_

_  
_

I sign the letter and grab and envelope and stamp before I make my way to find a mailbox. This will be sent. My side of the story needs to be told. She needs to know how she thoroughly fucked up my life.

 

"Leah! LEAH! Wait up!," I hear a familiar voice call. I turn around and see none other than my All-Mighty Alpha.

 

"What do you want Jake?" I ask him. I cannot get distracted. Right now, I'm all business. I'm on a mission and I can't be pulled aside for chit-chat.

 

"I wanted to talk to you," he tells me as he falls in step with me.

 

"So? Talk. I'm kind of busy right now," I tell him.

 

He smiles at me, "What? Mailing a letter? C'mon Leah, it'll take five minutes tops," he pleads with puppy dog eyes.

 

Damn you S. Meyer! You just had to create him as an irresistible guy, didn't you? I can never resist Jake, let alone his puppy dog eyes. I sigh, "Fine. You have five minutes. Go."

 

I fold my arms across my chest and look at him expectantly. He runs a hand through his hair and breaths out in anticipation. "Never thought you'd agree. Okay."

 

He starts to pace. "So, you know that _Breaking Dawn_ is over right?"

 

I nod, not really seeing where this is going. "Your point?" I look down at my watch. "Four minutes."

 

"Well, whatever plan S.M. had for us is done. So we can do anything now, go anywhere!" he smiles.

 

"So what you're saying is that you want to leave La Push?" I ask him, confused.

 

He shakes his head. "No, wait, yes. Um. Hold on, Edward explained it to me before… I'm messing it up," he mumbles.

 

"What do the vamps have anything to do with it? Where's the Spawn anyways?" I ask disinterestedly. I really don't care; I need to send this letter!

 

"Okay, now that the series is over, we can do anything, see anyone, and feel anything. We can be free! Free of anything, anyone that's holding us back. Leah," he looks deep into my eyes.

 

"Hmm," I answer. In my defense, if you looked into those warm chocolate brown pools, you'd be blubbering like an idiot too.

 

"Leah, I'm free of the books now. I'm free of the imprint now. Now I can be with you," he told me.

 

He smiles at me, and I beam back at him like I've done it my entire life. Which, now, I can.

 

_Dear Stephanie Meyer,_

_  
_

_Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you for finally ending the series. Now I can be with Jake._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Leah Clearwater_

 

Yeah, I decide, this is the letter I'll be sending.


End file.
